After the Storm

So another Thanksgiving has come and gone. I ended up making dinner for Friendsgiving on Saturday. I have never made a more excellent bird. 23lbs. Maple Glaze. Bacon wrapped. Diet destruction. You see all these articles and tv shows that show you how to eat healthy during the holidays. Um, yeah right. Let's see stuffed mushrooms or the parsley on the veggie tray. I even saw an article once telling you to bring your own baggy of veggies. Well hello handsome man, excuse me while I get a carrot out of my purse. What these? Oh no it's just that I am um allergic to sprinkles. And cream cheese. And fun. Ha ha. I know if you do everything in moderation it's not that bad. But after a few cups of eggnog it's so easy to forget where the moderation is. So that's my goal. I know I won't be able to abstain from all the deliciousness of the holidays but I have switched to red wine to control my drinking (I don't like it very much so I don't drink a lot of it) and I am going to try to eat at home as much as I can and snack on healthy foods before going out. My biggest problem is this whole exercise thing. I just can't get motivated. I am sure a little of it is depression but I am so tired all the time. I know that it's hard to start and hard to stop. I just want to find the motivation to get going. I hate that my body is sore and tense. I hate that I'm not losing weight. (Side note-I don't think I'll be making my first goal. It bums me out but I have no one to blame but myself.) It's like playing hide and seek with the exercise idea and I have found a really good hiding spot. I always say tomorrow morning I am going to get up and do it! Yeah! And then the alarm goes off and I spend an hour hitting the snooze button only to bolt out of bed and rush through the morning routine becase I am now late. When I get home it's dinner, Jack, exhaustion, tv, bed. Where's Tony Robbins when you need him? So instead of pissing and moaning here on my blog, I am going to get up and at least go through a stretching routine. At least it's a start. Right?

Attack of the Killer Turkey

So Thanksgiving is only a day away and I am gathering up all my will power to not wear sweats for the Knott's Berry Farm Thanksgiving day buffet. Somehow I feel like you are supposed to eat till you fall asleep in your sweet potatoes from all the tryptophan. I started a new thing this week. We won't call it a diet. We'll just call it alternative food therapy. Ha ha. It's called the Diet Cure. It's this book based on the concept that we as humans due to lack of good nutrition and stress become deprived of amino acids that are necessary to make our brains function properly. By supplementing these amino acids we can rebuild the way our brain works to control cravings, re-amp metabolisim, sleep better, exercise more effiecently, and in general improve our mental and physical health. It's short term therapy until we re-train our brains to function the way that they should. The supplements can't hurt anything and it seems pretty straightforward so I'm trying it. After 24 hours I felt better, more alert, I could focus for the first time in weeks. Taking a daily vitamin is always a good step so that's at least a positive by product of all of this. Hopefully this will give my body the jump start that it needs to get out of hibernation mode. I mean, it's winter and all but who really wants to be a giant bear? So as I get ready for the big gobble gobble day wish me luck and please hide all my elastic wasted pants.

May Day May Day

She's going down! SOS! Ok, so I'm not gaining weight, but I'm not losing it either. I have completely lost my motivation. Send search and rescue! Get the bloodhounds! I can't believe that it's been less than 2 months and I am already struggling! Where's the proverbial carrot in front of the mule? Well I must have eaten the carrot. And his hay. Why is this so hard?!?! I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty discouraged right now. You see these shows on tv and think hey! I can do that! But all they do is work out with a personal trainer and nutritionist and they don't lose the weight while dealing with everyday stress like meetings, and kids, and Christmas presents. Their only worry is will the hot trainer think my ass is too fat. Ha ha. And the worst part is I am so close! My first goal was to get to 199 and that's only 10 lbs. The holiday party is only 3 weeks away! Here we go again with the cycle. Set goals early, slack, get close, panic, crash diet, give up. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. I'm Lesli and I'm a can'tkeepmyweightlossaholic. So, I am going to do what I can to not panic. I'm not gonna crash diet. I'm just going to start tomorrow as a new day and do better. That's all I can really do.

Keeping the Chin Up

I am sitting here at the end of the weekend feeling like a little bit of a failure. I was all set for a mellow weekend and somehow ended up going out every day. I didn't make the best food decisions. I know that you shouldn't beat yourself up for slipping up but I am feeling pretty down about it. This whole process was supposed to be about finding my motivation and I seem to keep losing it. I think I've been trying to do this half heartedly. I need to make a lot of life changes in order to suceed. I seem to be doing a good job of setting my goals, and talking about my goals, but not really getting to my goals. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to get counseling to work through a lot of these issues that I think are the route of my emotional eating. Tomorrow is Monday and the start of a new week. I am still hopeful. I am going to prepare to get up early and workout. I need to be better at being prepared. That's the girl scout motto you know, be prepared. I was a girl scout for 10 years. One would think I would be a little better at the prepared thing. So that being said I am going to sign off, get out my gym clothes, and get some sleep.

Encouragement

Tonight I had dinner with one of my favorite people. I love her to death and unfortunately just don't get to see enough of her. She started a new job at a Christian company in which they have to go to Bible Study. I am so encouraged by the transformation I see in her. Not physically but emotionally. She's never been particularly religious or spiritual. I am so proud of her for being so open to God's love. It's amazing how he works and I see the light that's slowly coming out from within and I am so relieved. She's going through some challenges in life and now she's found through faith a partner to help her through everything. While I was talking to her I realized that my own faith has been lacking and that I have been trying to make and do all of these challenges on my own. That could be why it's been such a struggle. Everyone needs help and I am not impervious to this. You don't have to believe in one specific God to have faith and everyone believes in something. I am by by faith a Christian and I think over the past couple of years I have forgotten where my faith lies. So far I have lost 8 lbs. But it's been a struggle. Somehow I thought once I made my mind up to do this it would all just come very easily. Turns out I was wrong. I have lost a little faith in my abilities and my will power but after tonight my faith has been renewed. I am now encouraged and tomorrow beings a new day fresh with my new perspective.

Acta Non Verba

Talk about a wake up call! I just got the pictures from Halloween and my Alice in Wonderland costume and all I can say is OMG! That will serve as motiviation for a long long time. I look terrible! It's like Alice at the cookie that turned her into the Michelin man. I was feeling okay earlier this morning but that just sent me falling down the rabbit hole. Yikes! Glad I passed on that donut this morning because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. It's like in our heads we can make these excuses and talk ourselves out of reality and make ourselves feel better. Self preservation is a load of crap. The reality is that I am overweight. Maybe not by catastrophic proportions but enough to make me unhealthy and my pants a little too tight. I wore this pair of jeans the other day and I am pretty sure I sliced my spleen in half. Who wants to be that uncomfortable? Not me thank you very much. I am tired of unbuttoning, covering, elastic-ing my life. Seeing those pictures was...well....devestating. I can't continue down this path. I need to treat myself better because I have a 4 year old that's counting on me to live a long and healthy life. A couple girls at work are reading The Diet Cure. I think I'll pick it up this weekend. After all the holiday party is in exactly 4 and 1/2 weeks. So the new motto is Acta Non Verba. Deeds not words. Happy Friday everyone!

Yesterday was Halloween. Let me just start by saying that I hate Halloween. I don't like to be scared, I don't like people in masks, and I don't like all of the teeny tiny costumes that for one night the world doesn't deem as inappropriate attire. For some reason wedding dresses and Halloween costumes are made smaller than the normal size. Now don't you think that days centered around fantasy that you would want to feel smaller not bigger? Hello manufacturers! I went to a party last night in Downtown HB and I was by far one of the biggest girls in there. I tried to not let it affect me. I tried to numb my pain with Corona Light. But there were all these beautiful girls in barely there costumes (PS-just because you put slutty in front of a costume doesn't make it a good costume.) It was hard not to feel awkward. But I powered through and to salvage what little self confidence I had left we went over to Gallaghers to see my friend Alex. Stiff drinks and good friends ended the night on a good note. I might have gone a little past my limit but the good news is that I threw everything up so I lessened my caloric intake. Ha ha. I woke up this morning feeling a little sub-par and instead of giving in to my hangover and getting some Mickey D's I got up and met my girlfriend Kelly for brunch. A fiesta veggie scramble and fresh fruit was a much better choice. Also, because I was now out of the house I could run errands like going to the grocery store. I got the stuff for fresh basil and tomato pasta, fish tacos with onions and fresh cilantro, salads...so this week is going to start off on a much healthier note. My goal this week is to start a routine with exercise. My inconsistency is not acceptable at this point. I have been doing this for almost three weeks and I have exercised maybe 4 times. I don't ever want to go through another Halloween feeling the way I felt last night....

Days 17 and 18

So today was the big Halloween party at work and our building decided to have a potluck. Oh my stars. A room full of temptation and sin. I made pulled pork sandwiches from scratch. The good news is after two days of cooking the meat my entire apartment smells like roast pig and I had zero desire to eat it. I also made brownies and cupcakes. I'm not a big sweets person so that side of the buffet was of little interest to my inner salt fiend. But on the other side of the deliciously abundent food line was artichoke dip, spinach dip, pasta salads, chili, tamales...I could go on. I had just a little bit of everything and didn't over eat. I was super proud of myself. I wasn't perfect but I kept the sinning to a minimum. I dressed as a dead flapper (complete with a pearl string bruise from being strangled) and everyone loved my costume. Somehow I keep getting the feeling that I am missing some sort of creative calling. I had a couple people ask me today what the heck I was doing in accounting. What am I doing in accounting? I am not ungrateful for a steady job with a great company but I think that I have missed the career boat being here in accounting. Tonight off to see Boondock Saints II and then to check out Johnny's new bar in Redondo. I'll probably meet up with my pals Jack and Diet, but just to say hey...

Days 15 and 16

Alice in Wonderland....how did we get to blubberland... Halloween is right around the corner and I was super petrified that my costume from last year was going to be a little more Ursula and a little less Alice. But get out your pinkie fingers because we are going to a tea party. So relieved that it fits. I don't even have to suck in to zip it up. I will be a breathing, white rabbit chasing, stripper shoe wearing Alice. Next year my goal is going to be to wear whatever costume I deem, not just what costume will fit. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Immediate goal, Holiday Party. Gotta get physical, physical... So I might have been slacking in the working out department. I have been so busy that it just hasn't happened. I know, I know not really an excuse. But with a full time job, kid, extracurricular projects, Project Runway it's hard to fit it in. I need to schedule time for myself because this is a priority. I recently had a conversation with a friend from high school and one of the first questions he asked me was if the 2009 Lesli is still overextending herself. That was an eye opener. Apparently I have been this way for a very long time. I need to learn to slow down. I read an article with Sheryl Crow the other day and she said that taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's selfless. If you don't save yourself first you can't save anyone else. I need to change my mentality. I have been so worried about everyone else for so long that I stopped worrying about me. Having said that, I am off to stretch for a while, and then off to bed.

Days 9-14

Hello blogsphere! I am back and I missed you! The end of last week and this weekend were crazy. I was doing the flowers for my friends wedding and let me tell you, wedding flowers are quite a task. Especially when you are doing them alone. 25 centerpieces, bride's bouquet, two bridesmaid bouquets, 6 boutonnieres, 1 archway, and a cake table. I might have gotten in over my head. Which according to my mother is the only way I know how to do things. I say if you're gonna go, go big. Usually that means frantic help me, help me, help me calls. My friend Amy was awesome enough (and free enough) to come down to Dana Point and help me. I wouldn't have made it without her. 14 hours on Friday and another 4 on Saturday. The good news is that I was so busy I didn't have time to eat. Or sleep. Or breathe. I should back up. I ate but I was like Casey Jr. and this train was only burning fuel. With Amy's help we managed to pull off beautiful flowers and I am thinking of picking a new career path. This whole journey isn't just about losing the weight. It's about losing the fear. Losing the inhibition. Losing the less awesome me. It's becoming a new much more awesome me. I like being creative. I love making something that brings joy to other people. I think that is really where my passion lies in life. I have spent so long hiding from myself underneath these layers of fat afraid to live the life that I should be living. It's time to rediscover who I am again. The good news is that I have lost 5 lbs. Woo! If I could do math (says the girl in accounting) I would be able to tell you what percentage of my first goal that is. But I know it's a start. On that note I am going to say goodnight. I have a pot of homemade low fat vegetarian chili to attend to.

Day 8

Woke up feeling better than I have in a long time. Maybe there's something to this exercise, eat right, take care of yourself thing. It was like the universe was laughing at me today. Everyone seemed to be eating some sort of burger (my fave) and I had my giant salad. That universe has some sense of humor. I did not stray although Toni almost lost a hand. My problem really isn't the week. It's pretty easy to stick to a schedule and regimen during the week. It's the weekends that cause me to fail like Vista. Hanging out with friends, cocktails (hmm I'm sensing a theme here), group eating. It's like work ends on Friday and the second I open my car door and get inside I have entered the 3rd portal to food hell. Somehow every weekend I end up in food purgatory. I sinned, but not that bad. How many Hail Mary's to get me out of this one? But, I had this thought today. We set routines mostly because we should. We brush our teeth every day. Why? Because we have to. We go to work everyday. Why? Because we have to. So why is it so difficult to set food routines? We know we shouldn't have that double burger. That last donut. That extra helping of fries. We skip breakfast and eat dinner at 10pm. We know all of these are unhealthy habits but it doesn't seem to stop us from doing it. We can justify it. I'll work it off later. I've worked really hard this week. I don't have time. Who wakes up, thinks hey I'm not gonna brush my teeth today. I'll just pop some gum later this afternoon. It's just one morning. I'll brush them tonight. Doesn't happen right? So why do we justify the mistreatment of our bodies? It's time to stop making excuses for donuts and fries. It's time to look at a venti carmel Frappucino for what it really is. Ding Dongs you're going down. Mr. Dorito your days are over. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Hi, my name is Lesli and I'm a bad choiceaholic.

Day 7

Yay me! I stuck to my goals and hit every one of them today. Peanut butter and a whole wheat English muffin, super food, and a banana for breakfast. Low fat Greek salad with fake chicken and wheat thins for lunch. Goldfish for a snack (the cracker not the animal. I know I'm a pescetarian but come on.) Homemade burrito with vegetarian low fat re fried beans, green chiles, low fat sour cream, and low fat cheese. Mini soy chocolate ice cream sandwich. I'm not a big sweets person but tonight the salt monster showed his sweet side. And guess what! I totally exercised before dinner. I feel way better. Stretching/ballet moves are my favorite thing ever. I can't meditate (my brain does NOT shut off) and yoga...well...I haven't exactly found my "center" yet. (I think it's somewhere near my knees right now) But stretching calms me. I can feel the stress release from my muscles and my worries briefly disappear. Double hooray! I found my exercise starting point. I was beginning to feel a bit discouraged. I know so early in the game. But that's why most women give up. I know it's why I give up. The big picture when it comes to weight loss is intimidating. For me, I am so uncomfortable in my own skin that I just want to be healthy and thin now. It will be a daily challenge until, well, it's not. My short long term goal is to not have to eat well, work out, and stay fit but to want to. I am going to work towards the day that it's not a burden but a joy. Rome wasn't built in a day and it took 5 years to create this Coliseum so I have to exercise patience in trying to become the Tower of Pisa. Grab the reins people because this chariot is taking off.....

Day 6

Today was pretty boring but I did manage to stay on track. Forgot to set my alarm last night so I overslept and there was no early morning work out. Oops. This sure is a lot harder than it seemed in my head. I went to the grocery store after work and emptied my bank account but stocked up on food. Salads, healthy veggie pastas, super food juice, veggie tacos, and whole wheat breads. Did I mention that I am a pescatarian? So I am ready for this week. I am trying to lesson the margin of error. I realized today that I am going to a wedding on Saturday that is going to like a high school reunion. I had planned on losing weight 5 months ago when I found out the best man was someone I was in love with in high school. I am a little anxious since I have not come even close to losing any weight. That's what I do. I always plan on losing weight for an event or holiday 3-6 months out and then two weeks before said goal date I realize that I haven't done anything to work to the goal. Then I starve myself for 3 days, give up, and buy shoes to ease my pain. Let's just say I have a lot of shoes. So it's time to set my first goal. The company holiday party. It's 2-ish months from now. I am not sure if I should be setting goals in weight or pant size. I am still a little hesitant to state my current weight and pant size. But I told myself full disclosure. I guess saying it outloud makes it real. But it's time to face the fat. So here we go. Current weight 214. Current pant size 16. There it is. I can't run from it now. So my goal is minimum 15 lbs and size 14 pants. It's amazing how my focus and perspective changed in 5 sentances. That was really hard to write. It's even harder to re-read. But I now have a goal. I will be under 200 lbs. I am going to meet it. I can do this.

Days 3, 4, and 5

So Friday was a bit of a tough day. With a hangover and little sleep my journey was still stalling out at the start line. I woke up Saturday morning motivated and ready to start the day. Then it happened. I was doing my make up and I saw it. There it was taunting me right at my scalp line. My first grey hair. I had a minor moment of panic and then I realized that panic cause stress and stress grey hair. So then I panicked about panicking. It was like I could feel the hairs going greyer by the second. After breathing into a paper bag and putting my head between my knees I relaxed and I realized that grey hair is a sign of aging, and aging a sign of a life being lived. I felt the anxiety slowly release. I left the house a little unsure of my ability to control my stress eating (one of my food triggers) but I kept on track for the whole day! I spent the day with good friends and then went to see a show at the HOB. I might have overstepped my limit with those scallywags Jack and Diet but it was a much smaller overstep. No Del Taco and no shame. This morning I woke up and walked around the antique swap meet with the besties and had a lovely brunch by the ocean. This afternoon I will come up with a meal plan for the week (like the girl scout oath always be prepared) and try to figure out how to start this whole exercise regime. I can do this. Just gotta take it one day at a time...

Day 2

Okay, so let's keep it real. My first day on my journey was not a success. In fact it was an epic fail. Now it started out okay. Healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, healthy snacks. But then well, I went to a charity benefit and that's where it all went wrong. Now don't get me wrong, I had every intention of staying on track. But then my old buddy Jack Daniels and his friend Diet Coke showed up. It's true what your mother says about running with a bad crowd and those two are never really looking out for my best interest. Needless to say the night ended with me falling asleep in a bed of fast food wrappers and a blanket of shame. But I will not be discouraged! I may have lost this battle but I will win the war! Today is a new day and hangovers are excellent appetite suppressants. Just kidding. Sort of. But I am realizing that in order to be successful I am going to have to be much more discretionary with what I am drinking. So we'll chalk yesterday up to an important lesson and move forward.

Day 1

So today begins the first day of getting to the thinner me. I am determined to get rid of this weight that has somehow moved in like an unemployed boyfriend. It's like I went to sleep and 5 years later woke up fat. So now it's time to release this thin beautiful butterfly that is trapped in this lumpy oversized cocoon. Now I'm not saying that I want to look like Kate Moss circa 1994. I like my curves and I like looking like a woman. I just would like to look a little more Marilyn and a little less Mimi. I would also like to learn how to skateboard. I have a 4 year old who's amazing and he loves skateboarding more than life. In fact he refuses to cut his hair because his favorite skateboarder (Mike Vallely) has long hair. I want to have the energy to run, skip, and jump with him. As the saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. What's the point of being a fun girl trapped in a fat girl's body? I am looking for the healthy, happy, less me me. So tomorrow starts the first day of returning to a healthy diet. I mean, it's 10:30 pm so not much can be accomplished tonight, right? So consider today the forward to the novel of my journey. So here are the goals...in no specific order...

1. Improve my health. Diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and high cholesterol run in my family. I am a cocktail of bad health just waiting to be shaken...and the only thing I want shaken is a good dry martini.

2. Fit into my "skinny" clothes. I have so many cute clothes! Really! Not to say I don't have stylish or cute clothes now, but I am only wearing 1/4 of my wardrobe. I mean come on people. In this economy we need all the help we can get.

3. I want to be a pin up model. It's something I have wanted to do forever. I have never felt comfortable enough with my figure to do it. I am not unattractive but I don't take good pictures because the confidence isn't there. I want that inner confidence back. I am reclaiming my inner self!

4. Have the energy to play with my son. I want to take him to the park, and play soccer, and go for bike rides. I cannot miss out on any more of his life. Or mine.


So here we go. 1 year from now I will be 80 lbs less fat and 100% more awesome. At least I am going to do my damnedest to make this happen.